The Fear Dance

The Core Problem

YOU WRESTLE WITH A CORE FEAR.

Fear is as old as the Garden of Eden. In the beginning, Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfect and satisfying relationship with God and with one another.

But the moment they disregarded God’s instructions and chose instead to follow the serpent’s advice, fear took over. It spoiled their relationship to God and to each other.

And we have been feeling its destructive effects ever since. So what are those fears?

We have found that most women have a core fear related to disconnection—they fear not being heard, not being valued, somehow losing the love of another.

Most men, on the other hand, have a core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled—they fear failure or getting stepped on.

Some version of these two core fears seems to exist in everyone, to some degree.

Without identifying your own core fear and understanding how you tend to react when your fear button gets pushed, your relationships will suffer. Every time!

What is your core fear?

Our Fears

MY CORE FEAR IS THAT I FEEL…

	1. Helpless, powerless, impotent, or controlled
	2. Rejected, as if people are closing me out of their lives
	3. Abandoned or left behind, as in divorce
	4. Disconnected from others or alone
	5. Like a failure
	6. Unloved, as if no one could love me
	7. Defective, as if something is wrong with me, as if I’m the problem
	8. Inadequate, as if I just don’t measure up to others like I should
	9. Pained both emotionally and physically
	10. Hypocritical or like a phony
	11. Inferior, as if I’m being placed below everyone else in value (belittled)
	12. Cheated or ripped off or taken advantage of
	13. Invalidated, as if my words and actions are being ignored or devalued
	14. Unfulfilled, as if what is happening to me will lead to a dissatisfied life
	15. Humiliated, as if I have no dignity or self-respect
	16. Manipulated, as if others are deceiving me
	17. Isolated, as if others are planning to ignore me

The Fear Dance

Identifying your core fear is important because fear is the music that starts the relationship dance. The team called that dance the Fear Dance.

To make sure you understand the dance, let’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

1. You hurt

What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.

2. You want.

When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just… Or, If only my friends would…The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.

DON’T EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO BE YOUR SOLUTION.

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations.' When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

3. You fear

When a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you’re not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you’re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won’t be fulfilled, you experience fear:

WE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT… SO WE FEAR… Acceptance Rejection Grace Judgment Connection Disconnection Companionship Loneliness Success Failure Self-Determination Powerlessness Understanding Being misunderstood Love Being scorned Validation Being invalidated Competence Feeling defective Respect Inferiority Worth Worthlessness Honor Feeling devalued Dignity Humiliation Commitment Abandonment Significance Feeling unimportant Attention Feeling ignored Support Neglect Approval Condemnation Wanted Feeling unwanted Safety Danger Affection Feeling disliked Trust Mistrust Hope Despair Joy Unhappiness

Our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You react

If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

Marriage Scenario

How does the Fear Dance work? Let’s look at an event from the lives of my son Greg and his wife, Erin. Read the following story, understanding their core fears: Greg’s core fear is a fear of failure; Erin’s core fear is a fear of invalidation, of not being valued for what she says and does.

A Husband goes and redecorates the bedroom while His wife is working a late shift, she comes home, walks in the dark not being aware of the new order of the furniture, she tripped and crashed into a pair of antique skis that were placed against the wall. The skis in turn tumbled onto a shelf containing all her beloved Precious Moments figurines, shattering most of her treasures, which continued to fall until they smacked onto the husband’s head.

When the lights came on, they began shouting at each other. Wife criticized the husband for moving the furniture without first talking with her about it; her angry words made him feel like a failure. He minimized her concerns and defended his decision to redecorate the bedroom; his words made her feel as if her opinions didn’t matter. The shouting and defending and sarcasm continued—and the Fear Dance was in full swing.

Do you see it? They pushed each other’s fear buttons.

• Wife pushed the husband’s “fear of failure” button.
• Husband pushed wife’s “fear of invalidation” button.

1. Wife hurts: Remember the DNA truth here: The problem is rarely the problem. The problem isn't that he redecorated the room; some wives would love that! The problem is that he doesn't think her opinions were valuable enough to talk with her before he did it.

2. Wife wants: She wants to be validated, to have him value her feelings, ideas, and pain. She wants him to value the fact that she felt left out of a decision that ultimately caused her physical pain and broke her collection of figurines. She wants her husband to meet her needs. She sees him not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all her wants. She wants him to change his behavior so that she doesn’t feel invalidated anymore.

3. Wife fears: When she senses his unwillingness and inability to fulfill those wants, she fears that she will be invalidated. Ultimately, she fears loss of connection from him. She thinks, If he doesn’t value who I am, what I do, or how I feel, then maybe he won’t want to be around me.

4. Wife reacts: Out of her fear, she reacts and starts shouting at him. She demands, “Why did you move our bedroom around without asking me first?” She continues to shout at him, belittling him, and criticizing him. She chooses all of her words simply to get him to change his behavior because she is convinced that he is her problem.

Now let’s take at the other side:

1. Husband hurts: When she starts to bombard him with questions and criticism, he feels hurt. He can’t understand why she can’t see that the whole thing was an accident. Something he intended to be good is suddenly turning into a disaster. He feels hurt.

2. Husband wants: He wants to feel successful as a husband. He wants his wife to fulfill his wants, to help him feel successful. He sees her not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all his wants.

3. Husband fears: When he senses that she is unwilling to help him feel successful, he fears that he is a failure. He thinks, I’m a lousy husband. I hurt my wife; I can’t do anything right.

4.Husband reacts: Out of his fear, he reacts by shouting back because he feels like a failure. He wants her to change her behavior so that he doesn’t keep feeling like a failure. She is his problem. “I didn’t know that you want me to ask your permission before I move furniture. If you want me to check things out with you before, you need to let me know these things. I’m not a mind reader. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? What happened, happened. It was just an accident. You’re not perfect, either.” All of his words further invalidate her. And the dance goes on and on.

OUR WANTS

	ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.
	GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don’t deserve. 
	CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.
	COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.
	SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.
	SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.
	UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.
	LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.
	VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.
	COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.
	RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.
	WORTH—I want to feel important.
	HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.
	COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.
	SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.
	ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.
	COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.
	SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.
	APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.
	WANTED—I want to be sought after.
	SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.
	AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.
	TRUST—I want to have faith in others.
	HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.
	JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.

THE DAMAGING FEAR DANCE

When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. Often your reaction triggers the core fear of the other person, who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

Is the Fear Dance All Bad?

Many people say to us, “The Fear Dance may not be the best dance, but sometimes it makes me feel better. How can that be bad?” Many of our unhealthy coping behaviors—our reactions—serve an “adaptive” purpose. While they may in fact damage the relationship, they do make us feel better, at least to a degree.

Take withdrawal, for example. Many men withdraw when their fear button gets pushed. They don’t want to yell and scream, but they also don’t want to allow their button to get pushed repeatedly. So what do they do? They leave. They hop on a motorcycle or head to the garage. Or maybe they just disappear behind a newspaper they’ve already read.

However they do it, they take themselves out of the conflict by fleeing, either physically or emotionally. By doing this, they’re trying to protect themselves—but that very act harms the relationship and causes it to deteriorate. Withdrawing almost always taps a woman’s fear of disconnection…and so the dance continues.

Withdrawal, of course, is only one of the ways we react when our fear button gets pushed. The chart shows some of the most common ways we react when we fear that our wants will not be met.

REACTION EXPLANATION

• Withdrawal You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment.
• Escalation Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage.
• Belittling or sarcasm You devalue or dishonor someone with words or actions; you call your spouse names or take potshots at him or her.
• Negative beliefs You believe your spouse is far worse than is really the case; you see your spouse in a negative light or attribute negative motives to your spouse.
• Blaming You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is your spouse’s fault.
• Exaggeration You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond bounds or the truth.
• Tantrums You have fits of bad temper. Denial You refuse to admit the truth or reality.
• Invalidation You devalue your spouse; you do not appreciate who your partner is, what he or she feels or thinks or does.
• Defensiveness Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation.
• Clinginess You develop a strong emotional attachment or dependence on your spouse.
• Passive–aggressive You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness.
• Caretaking You become responsible for others by giving physical or emotional care and support to the point you are doing everything for your spouse, and your partner does nothing to care for himself or herself. Acting out You engage in negative behaviors like drug or alcohol abuse, extramarital affairs, excessive shopping, or overeating. Over-functioning You do what others should be doing, and you take responsibility for them. Fix-it mode You focus almost exclusively on what is needed to solve the problem. Complaining You express unhappiness or make accusations.
• Aggression or abuse You become verbally or physically aggressive, possibly abusive.
• Manipulation You control your spouse for your own advantage. Anger and rage You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions. Catastrophize You use dramatic, exaggerated expressions to depict that the relationship is in danger or that it has failed. Numbing out You become devoid of emotion, or you have no regard for others’ needs or troubles.

We All Do the Fear Dance

The Fear Dance happens in every relationship because all of us have inherited the sinful legacy of the Garden. And it doesn’t take long to get going. The Fear Dance can move into full swing in mere moments. How quick and subtle it is!

Give It Up?

It’s a perfect system! It’s just not a pleasant one.

One of the worst things about the Fear Dance is that, eventually, it makes us dependent on other people for our happiness and fulfillment. We look to our friends or family members or spouses to fulfill our wants. And there’s something functionally dysfunctional about such a dependency.

God created us to depend on him, and as human beings we naturally gravitate toward being dependent. But there’s a problem: such dependency was designed and reserved for God alone, not for our spouses or friends or bosses. So although the Fear Dance “works” after a fashion, it cannot bring us to where we want to be.

fixing the bicycle analogy

Suppose you grew up watching your dad fix your bicycle. You didn’t know it, but because he couldn’t afford the proper tools, he always used whatever he could find—a chicken bone here, a bent tin can lid there. Your bike “worked,” after a fashion, and over the years you got used to a handlebar falling off as you zoomed downhill or a tire bouncing away as you took a sharp turn. You retrieved the damage parts, took them back to your dad, and he “fixed” your rickety vehicle—at least well enough so that it could venture out once more. You didn’t particularly like the way your bike rode, or the scars it put on your shins and elbows, but you couldn’t imagine life without it.

What do you think would have happened if a bicycle repairman saw your bike and told you that he knew how to make it work much better? Maybe you’d go back home and tell your dad. And maybe he’d say, “Now Son, I used to watch my dad repair my bicycle, and he did it the same way I’m repairing yours. His daddy did it the same way, and so did his granddaddy. I think I know a thing or two about repairing bicycles. Don’t listen to that man.”

You could think of your bike as “functionally dysfunctional.” And if that’s the only bike you knew, would you find it easy to risk your ride on something completely unknown? Probably not.

So if you want different results, you have to break the rhythm of the Fear Dance and learn a new dance.”

Break the Rhythm of the Fear Dance

Do you see now how the Fear Dance has injured, crippled, and maybe even destroyed some of the relationships that mean the most to you? Perhaps you not only recognize the hurtful patterns but also feel compelled to change them. You don’t want the Fear Dance to continue to ruin your relationships.

But what do you do now?

First, it amazes me how quickly many conflicts get defused once both people in the relationship recognize their part in the Fear Dance. Once both people identify their core fears, a solution often suggests itself. In many cases, all it takes is a true understanding of the real underlying problem.

1) Identify Core Fear

2) Address it and recognize how to handle it

3) Identify mechanism of what to do when you get that fear, it is your responsibility not others

ONE-Minute REVIEW

 LIFE IS RELATIONSHIPS; THE REST IS JUST DETAILS. 

:01 ONE-MINUTE REVIEW THE DANCE THAT DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

1. The external problem is rarely the problem. What we think is the problem—finances, the other person—is not the core problem.

2. The core problem is our fear. The problem in nearly every conflict is that something touched each person’s core fear. We wrestle with a core fear.

3. Each of us is involved in a Fear Dance. Triggered by a core fear, we get stuck in a destructive Fear Dance that involves our hurts, wants, fears, and reactions.

4. Don’t expect the other person to be the solution. When we hurt, we want the other person to change so that we won’t feel the hurt. But the solution is not to change the other person.

5. The Fear Dance is functionally dysfunctional. Because the Fear Dance is the only dance many people know how to do, they “function” in the midst of dysfunction. They adopt coping mechanisms, which often only deepen the problem.

6. We can break the rhythm of the Fear Dance. By identifying our core fears and by understanding that the other person isn’t the problem, we can begin to learn new dance steps to healthier relationships.